Grappling with A crippling mind

Growing up my aunt chanted to me “train your mind and you’ll have control of your body”, and my mother always told me “where there’s a will there’s a way”.

The mind is something everyone is constantly battling with. Throughout the years we experience heartbreaking and earthshaking situations. But for the most part, we can tuck them away and deal with the day through our routines. Hence occasional breakdowns when your heart overcomes your mind and you cannot fight off the very toxicity of manifested blocked away, and traumatic thoughts. I’ll tell you this – –

This year has not been something to tuck away and block out. The world is in danger. People are being murdered for being different, for being woman, for not wanting to be owned, for being black for not conforming. And when I think of this I just can’t seem to understand what the ideologies behind the evil in society want people to be. Be different? They market for it. Speak out? Freedom of speech is a right. Be free? People are being targeted for what they wear. What they say, how they feel. Where they are from. What they look like. This year has been crippling. I love communication, I love writing. But this year. When my writing was needed. I couldn’t find it. It is a guilt I have bared with and I couldn’t find the words. I didn’t know how to express how I felt each day watching and reading as the world just crumbled. As people we are all fractured inside, our hearts and our minds. We’re all dealing with something. But when the turmoil is inside and outside what do you do? Where is salvation in a place like this? The world has always been in trouble, there has always been evil and hurt and unrest. But now, it is so concentrated it is drowning us, suffocating us, affecting our every thoughts. This is a crippling year. However, humans are most remarkable, and the ones that have been fighting for the rights in the world, have given me salvation. The unity, the courage, the emotive explosions. Toward a better and deserved future.

The demand for the simplicity of the right to just be.

Just that thought alone is barbaric. Why do people have to fight for THAT? Understanding the events of history does not make the events okay. I remember going to the Auschwitz Concentration Site and there was a quote written at the entry and it read “Those who do not remember the past, are condemned to repeat it.” (George Santayana) And look.

It’s not only about remembering, its about making damn sure it doesn’t happen again. There are no adjectives apt enough to describe this feeling. I can’t even fathom how it must feel for the communities that are targeted. This life is a sordid boon. The mind cripples you. Leaves you without will at times. But We are not alone, You are not alone. I am not alone. And it will be okay, right?

Growing up I always had the notion that fairer skin looked more beautiful. And now being older. That thought infuriates me. I wasted an entire childhood believing I WAS NOT BEAUTIFUL. I was a child! I should have been carefree of such negativity.

I always felt inferior – not anything related to beauty. I felt dirty and never admired the fact that I had a smile that lights up rooms. A very vivid memory was getting ready for a ballet performance, my mother helping me dress into my leotard, applying hints of make up and from the corner of my eye; watching the other white girls get ready too. In that moment I told myself “I wish I was white so the red lipstick looked good on me” I was 6. Why was that something I thought of? No one ever outright told me I don’t look beautiful. But why was this instilled in me from such a young age? I remember products being advertised to whiten darker skin tones and beauty tips to “fix” me. Books only showcasing little white girls and boys. Even now as an adult I look at myself and wish certain colors would look better on me. I grew up wearing very dull colours and black became my crutch. I’ve never been able to embrace the way I look for many reasons for as long as I could remember. And this is my story. There are countless beautiful brown woman out there whom embrace their chocolate skin tones and I see society slowly changing, with the humming and comforting (AND TRUE) chant that “black is beautiful”. We are so harsh on ourselves. I’ve always shied away from societal trends because I never thought I “looked the part” but why was I trying to look the part when I AM DIFFERENT. We are all different. Why do we want to look like a certain way – all at the same time?? Limiting how to express ourselves through our appearance.

Mindsets are locks with keys made out of self-realization. And unfortunately it starts with the individual, and thereafter that individual projecting those views onto the next generation. People change the world. Society is made up of people. And it really starts with you.

If I ever have kids, and whichever kids I educate throughout my career, I know what my duty is and I know how it plays a role in shaping minds. The women in my life have taught me what beauty is and how to filter what to influence your mind with, and how to express the plethora of uniqueness within yourself. I will not fail them.